Time continues to move along and my baby boy is still gone. I am not any more at peace with it and probably will never be. Because I do not understand why living in extreme poverty and not getting the attention you need is “best”. Why further abuse happening for the sake of keeping the siblings together is best.
We were closed as a foster home by the state a few months back because we hired an attorney and fought them. So not only did we not get our son back now we cannot adopt any children from foster care. They offered to tell me “why” but I just could not even go there. The plan was to adopt a different sibling group from foster care but now we cannot do that. And that is one less sibling group that will have a family simply because I spoke up and fought for my child.
Is that not the type of parents that these babies deserve? Someone who will go to the depths of hell to love and protect them? Who will do anything to give them the life that they deserve?
It hurts because I have extensive training and experience in dealing with trauma and how to parent children with trauma. That was my job for 3 full years. I make an amazing living and I work like 20-25 hours a week. I set what hours those are around by babies schedule. My child had everything he could want. He had two parents who would go to the ends of the earth for him. Friday was “mommy” day and it was a day that just he and I would spend together baking, swimming, playing outside and just enjoying our time together. He had an amazing extended family that doted on him and gave him everything. He had ninja class and swimming lessons. He had so many presents on Christmas that he was not even interested in opening them all. He had vacations and trips to the park. He had the undivided attention that he need to flourish.
Due the circumstances with adopting from DHS no longer being a possibility we were forced to look at back up choices. We are an open adoptive home for a private adoption but private adoption is very, very expensive. So I reluctantly decided to pursue fertility stuff. I do not feel the need to give birth to a child to feel like they are mine and quite frankly it seems wrong to create more babies when there are so many who need a loving home, just like we have to offer.
So we were starting the fertility process and the day that they did blood work to do further testing my TSH was not detectable. This was a major red flag. So cue tons of blood work. Then I started to have a lot of random symptoms that were extremely annoying and uncomfortable. After a lot of blood work, an ER trip, and an ultrasound of my Thyroid it turns out that I have Grave’s disease. My doctor calls to tell me to start taking medication for it and I ask about how this impacts fertility stuff. “Absolutely not. This not the time for this. I do not even condone the idea of getting pregnant with Grave’s disease under control it is too unpredictable.” There is the big stop sign that is likely going to render me childless forever. There is a procedure that can be done but it cannot be done just yet and you have to be off of this medication for 6-12 month before you can safely get pregnant. Even with it under control it would be a high risk pregnancy. Which would be it would be extra high risk for other reasons too.
I never wanted to get pregnant and a have a baby. I just want a family. It would be better if we could provide a loving home to a child in need. We are great parents. We have so much to offer. But we have two empty bedrooms, a SUV with seating for 7, all the love, time and ample resources to provide any child with a good life.
But we cannot through multiple ways and attempts have a child. But So many people are accidently having more children than they want or can provide for. The only reason that I have been able to handle losing our baby boy was because the hope of having a child or adopting one already.
Adopting from foster care was never a back up choice. It was my first choice.
Broken Open 