Life has been full of a lot of changes for our family. There is no way to say it but things have been very hard.
We had to let our oldest baby girl go home. She was healthy and she was not acting any different than her normal self other than a runny nose. Until one Wednesday morning she had a bloody nose so I stayed home with her and took her to the vet. We were notified that she had a tumor in her sinus cavity. Surgery was an option but may not be the best thing for her since she was 12. We got her some medication to help her feel better for a little while and took her home knowing that she would be leaving us soon. So I spent the next few days loving her and snuggling her as much as she would allow me to. Even though she was feeling okay for the time being I had to make the call to go ahead and let her go. I decided on Friday afternoon.
Shortly before we were set to go to say goodbye to my first baby girl I got a call from Mark that he had been laid off. This allowed him to be there when we had to say goodbye. Exactly one week later I was fired from my job as well. No warnings, no previous meetings, no problems, no write ups. My last performance review was excellent and I got a raise. It came out of nowhere but I’m not surprised at all. Aside from the loss of income it has been a huge relief. My stress level is non existent and I feel so free. It was not a healthy situation and I was being put in a position with expectations that were entirely unrealistic.
So here we are mid September. We don’t have our boys, our baby girl is gone and I am still unemployed.
All of those things are difficult but I know are purposeful. I am doing my best to trust that I don’t know what is best. Our kids have been through enough loss and change for a lifetime in their short lives. As hard as it was to say goodbye to my first baby girl now my babies will not have to deal with that loss as well. By this happening before it is one less thing they will have to deal with. With me losing my job I have time to focus on transitioning over to private practice. This will be much easier with having school aged kiddos.
DHS has called multiple times and asked to place children with us. It crushes my heart every time I have to say no. Earlier this week we got a call about a match for another older baby boy for adoption. I said no but he is weighing heavy on my heart tonight. I cannot sleep thinking about this sweet boy. He is stuck in my head. I know that my little boys will end up home with us eventually but is he our son too? I had always wanted to adopt a little girl or 2 later on but what if that is not meant to be?
The idea of three baby boys is overwhelming and slightly terrifying. Not the parenting part but the financial responsibility for feeding 3 boys and a husband with a huge appetite. 😅 This is not ideal timing as I am trying to get my therapy practice going. I know that my idea of things are almost never how things go.
Broken Open 